


Blaine in Wonderland

by Rainbowrites



Category: Alice in Wonderland - Fandom, Glee
Genre: Cross Over, Gen, M/M, pretty cracky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-28
Updated: 2012-06-29
Packaged: 2017-11-08 18:32:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/446212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbowrites/pseuds/Rainbowrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine meets Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Fake Boobs, a Cheshire Star, a Caterpillar that's already metamorphed into a butterfly, and some very strange Queens. Just another day at McKinley really.</p>
<p>A pretty cracky fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was talking to Jakia the other day, and this AU was born. It's not really a series, more like a series of drabbles

“I’m not Brittany, I’m Tweedle-Dum.” Brittany explained patiently, “But you can’t call me that because that’s bullying.”   
  
“Uhm. Okay.” Blaine wondered what he was supposed to call her then. He looked at Santana, “And you are?” Tweedle-Dee seemed to be the obvious answer, but then again, this was McKinley. Nothing ever made sense. Even when he wasn’t possibly hallucinating. Or maybe having a  really weird trip. Maybe Puck put something in his sandwich. He’d heard stories about those cupcakes of his.

Santana gave him a look that could have cut steel. “I’m Tweedle Fake-boobs.” She said through gritted teeth.

He couldn’t stop himself in time, “ What ? What kind of-” He bit his tongue to make himself stop.   
  
She glared at him. “I didn’t choose it dumbass. Did you choose to be called Blanderson?” She took a step towards him with a dangerous glint in her. He shrunk back. He was pretty sure he could take her if it came down to it, but he would really prefer not to hurt anybody. Or get hurt. He wouldn’t put it past her to be able to  actually  pull razor blades out of her hair.   
  
“You need to follow the yellow brick road Alice.” Brittany said earnestly, pointing to the road that had sprung up behind them.   
  
“Britts, sweetie, you’re mixing up your stories.” Santana snapped her fingers and the road melted back into forest.   
  
“But isn’t this the story about a girl who got thrown into a magical new world where she meets fantastical creatures, defeats the evil lady and saves the day? And then she wakes up and it may or may not have all been a dream?”   
  
“Uhm.”  Blaine and Santana exchanged looks. She had a point.   
  
Brittany nodded, satisfied that they’d finally understood. “So. Alice, you have to follow the yellow brick road to get home.”   
  
Santana shrugged, and seemed to decide to go along with it, “But you better pump those little hobbit legs hard, because you need to run as fast as you can just to stay in place around here.” Her voice turned steely, “Run as hard and as fast as you can, because this place will suck you down and trap you if you let it.” Blaine stared at her. “McKinley doesn’t let people leave.” She looked at Brittany, “The ferryman always takes a toll.”   
  
And then just as abruptly she was smirking at him again, “And try not to drink anything Alice, if you get any smaller you’ll vanish.”   
  
Blaine sucked in a shaky breath. “Oh come on.” He complained, “You  just  called me Blanderson, why are you calling me Alice too?”   
  
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Alice.”   
  
He sighed. “So I follow the yellow brick road and find a wizard?”   
  
Brittany gave him a distinct ‘what have you been smoking?’ look “No, that’s stupid. You have to go to the Tea Party and then see the Queens.”   
  
“Well, he just has to look in the mirror if he wants to see a raging queen.” Santana smirked. Blaine rolled his eyes, “But yeah. Tea Party, Red White Purple Queen whatever, caterpillar, all that jazz.” she waved her hand impatiently, “Can you get moving? Me and Britts need to get our lady lovin on.”   
  
“You’re free to stay.” Brittany touched his hand, “I really want that perfect record.”   
  
Blaine squeaked, and pelted for the yellow brick road.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blaine stumbles across a tea party, and meets a... colorful cast of characters.

True to Santana’s word, Blaine had to run as hard as he could just to stay in place. He could feel the sweat dripping down his neck, this muscles screaming in pain. He gritted his teeth and kept running. If there was anything he could do, it was run. He blinked away the the sting in his eyes and pretended it was sweat.

“You’re not getting anywhere because you’re on a treadmill, stupid.”

Blaine looked down. Sure enough, he’d been running on a yellow brick treadmill. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how it worked in the story.” He stepped off. His knees gave a traitorous wobble and he grabbed the side of the treadmill to steady himself.

“Well, you’re not wearing a dress either. Glass house, meet stones.”

A different voice, this time soft and shy “Stories are important, so they adapt. Worlds are flexible when we’re living in-” The voice slipped into gentle snores.

Blaine looked up from where he’d been contemplating his knees, trying to figure out if they were up for another few steps. That was the problem with when you stopped running. You fell apart. But if he’d kept running, he probably would have died. Blaine knew himself well enough to be able to tell that if someone hadn’t stopped him, he would have run until his heart gave out.

Blaine shielded his eyes from the sun and squinted at the voices.

Quinn raised a cool eyebrow. He blinked at her. A pair of glittering gossamer wings stretched out behind her. They beat lazily as she smirked at him. 

“-words!” The snores broke off abruptly as Tina jerked up off the table she’d been sleeping on. Blaine very carefully didn’t stare at her tail. It wouldn’t have been polite. She doodled sleepily on her skull  patterned napkin, muttering something that Blaine pretended not to hear about him and gogo boots. She blinked up at him owlishly (and wasn’t that a funny thought, a mouse acting owlish) “How do you feel about leather?”

He opened his mouth. Saw what she drawing. Closed it again. Blaine tried to swallow around his suddenly very dry tongue. He was pretty sure that hadn’t been what either Alice or Dorothy had been wearing.

Quinn blew a puff of smoke at him. 

“Shouldn’t you be a caterpillar?” He asked, jumping on the subject change eagerly. “I mean, if you’re smoking” He blinked at her, wrinkling his nose and waving the smoke away. “Wait, wasn’t the caterpillar smoking a hookah? Is that a joint?”

Quinn rolled her eyes, “It’s a cigarette, dumb ass.”

“Those are bad for you.” He said automatically.

She raised her eyebrows and took a long, slow drag. “No, really? I never knew that before. Heavens, you’re the first to enlighten me, thank you.”

He scowled, feeling an unwelcome blush heat his cheeks. “I just, I don’t want you to get sick because of this.”

Her face softened a little, and she let the cigarette dangle between her fingers. It sent trails of smoke into the air, swirling around her head like a gauzy halo.

“S, uh,” He very carefully didn’t point at her wings, but he nodded at them as respectfully as he could, “Are you the caterpillar?”

She smiled at him beatifically, and for a second he could understand perfectly why half the boys in Glee had fallen in love with her. “I’m not a caterpillar anymore, Blaine.” Her wings shimmered as they caught the light, “ I’ve already gone through my metamorphosis.”

Blaine touched her hand, the one not holding a cigarette. Except she wasn’t holding a cigarette anymore, it was a rattle.

“Beth’s” She said simply, and tucked it into his jacket pocket. She smiled at him, and her fingers curled gently in his. “Here. My toll.”

“But I-”

“Boy, I know you didn’t just crash my tea party and not say hey.”

Blaine whirled around, “Oh, Mercedes, I’m so sorry, I-” He broke off.

Mercedes crossed her arms. Her ears twitched amusedly. “If you so much as think of a playboy bunny joke,” she warned.

“I wasn’t!” Blaine insisted. He really hadn’t been. He’d been too busy being disappointed that this meant he wouldn’t get to see Kurt with bunny ears. “Is, uh, does that mean Kurt’s the Ma- the Hatter?”

“You meant to say the mad hatter, Blaine. You need to stick to your script. Masterful improvisation has led to many spectacular moments on stage and film alike, but somethings are classics for a reason.”

Blaine jumped back and stuffed his shaking hands in his pockets. Rachel smiled at him, her huge stage smile fixed firmly on her face. Just below a pair of whiskers.

“Are those” Blaine squinted “Are those sharpie?”

“Stop breaking character!” Rachel hissed, her tail bristling. She looked like she was just barely restraining herself from stamping the ground with frustration at his unprofessionalism

“Sorry, sorry” Blaine only just held himself back from trying to stroke her hair. She was so cute. His fingers itched to put a little purple bow tie on her. He should ask Kurt if New York apartments were any good for cats.

“Rachel, you need to calm the hell down.” Mercedes muttered, setting down the tea pot.

“Have some tea.” Quinn nudged a delicate chin cup towards her, “It’s herbal. Very good for the throat.”

Rachel launched herself at it, curling around it and purring. Quinn petted her ears absentmindedly as she sipped at her own tea.

“Wait, wasn’t the caterpillar supposed to be earlier? And the cat was supposed to be with the Duchess right?” Blaine racked his brains, “I’m pretty sure I should have grown and shrunk at least twice by now.”

“Shhh, honey, shh.” Mercedes patted his hand, “Don’t try to make McKinley make any kind of sense.”

“But-”

Tina shook her head sleepily, “Shhh, Blaine.” She added a few more studs to her design.

“Yes,” Rachel said, looking up from her tea with a truly terrifying smile, “after all, we’re all mad here.” 

No kidding Blaine thought, but he just said “Ah.”


End file.
